


Bitter Rain

by Lemonykitten



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, K-pop
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-07 11:27:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10359393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lemonykitten/pseuds/Lemonykitten
Summary: Regret and guilt are two of humankind's strongest emotions. They weigh heavily on the mind and the heart. Most often, these feelings are the end result of love. Not the happy, twinkling kind of love you see in fairy tales, but the kind of love that must be fought for; the kind of love that either leaves you ragged or blissful. It hurts, but it is still more precious than all the money and fame in the world. When that love is thrown away in a petty squabble, what are two men willing to do to get it back?





	1. Chapter 1

The fat drops of rain slapped against my skin, stinging my cheeks. But it wasn't like in the poems and songs, where the rain mixes with the tears, obscuring both. I could tell the difference. My tears seared down my face, scalding my flesh. They burned like white hot fire and I hated each and every one of them. I hated that I was crying, hated that I still knew how. I hated that I was standing here in the heavy rain like an idiot. I hated that I was too angry and too afraid to knock on your door. 

It had taken me years to get over what had happened between us enough to even look you up, to figure out where you might be. All it took was a well-paid private investigator and I had an address; an address I didn't use for another two years. I couldn't find it in me to forgive you for abandoning me, abandoning us and all that we had together. I couldn't forgive you for choosing them over my love. I couldn't forgive myself for all the hurtful, hateful things I said before I finally walked away.

I tried to blame everything on you. All of the pain and anger and loneliness, it was your fault. That's what I told myself, over and over, until I almost believed it. But it was a lie; I knew it. I had always known that I was a total bitch when my heart was hurting. I never really understood why you had put up with me for so long, why you claimed to love me.

I shivered with the cold, staring at the plain white door. It was a modest little house and I was almost impressed by the humility of it. Humble was something the both of us rarely ever were. Pride. That's what it was all about, including our fights. You said I was choosing my pride over our love. I told you that you'd chosen your career over me. Back and forth, back and forth, until both our hearts were ragged and bloody. What was I doing here, standing in the rain, trying to muscle up the courage to talk to you, to look at your face and know that you were looking back?

No, no this was stupid. I shouldn't be here. You'd probably moved on. I did. I moved on, slept with other men. I never kept a boyfriend for more than a couple of months, but what did that matter? What did it matter when there was this great empty space inside of me? No. I couldn't do this. Why do I insist on torturing myself? You don't want to see me. I shouldn't want to see you. I shouldn't dream about you, your smile, the way you used to hold me as we slept. I shouldn't want you back. I doubt you'd want me.

I shook my head and turned away, all signs of bravery fled. I was a fool. I've always been a fool. I will most likely die a fool, too. However, I didn't take three steps before I heard the door I'd been staring at squeak open. I turned slowly, breath caught in my throat, my heart barely beating. There you were, in all your glory. Your hair was stylishly tousled, your clothing loose and comfortable. I thought, for a moment, you would yell at this crazy, random person to get out of your yard. Then, the recognition in those beautiful, almond shaped eyes pierced my very soul.

“Jaejoong?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter was really more of a drabble, so I wrote this to flesh things out and bring closure. 18+ warning.

Never in my life had I ever felt this awkward. Not even on those ridiculous variety shows, where they asked the most embarrassing questions and coaxed us into mildly uncomfortable games, had I ever feel quite this awkward. After catching me out in front of his house, soaked to the skin, all Yunho had said was “Get inside, quickly.” So, there I sat, wrapped in the largest, fluffiest towel I have ever seen, trying hard not to shiver on my ex-boyfriend's couch.

Said ex-boyfriend was sitting in an armchair directly across from me, just looking at me. I found it difficult to meet his eyes for longer than a couple of seconds. Instead, I scanned the living room. It was modestly furnished, the room decorated in humble browns, greens and blues. Paintings hung on the walls and that made me smile a little. Yunho always did like art. There were a few photos set on tables and shelves, mostly just family though. Still, I kept expecting his new boyfriend (or even girlfriend; how should I know?) to come waltzing in any minute and demand that I be thrown back out into the rain.

Thunder cracked loudly over head, making me flinch. I hate storms. I know it's stupid, but thunder freaks me out. My eyes flickered back to Yunho at that, remembering the first time he held me, so many years ago, during a storm very much like this one.

_It was early spring, not long after our debut. Yunho and I were still just dancing around each other, feeling the pull of attraction without yet acting on it. Summer that year was hot and wet, thunder storms rolling through almost every other week. Damned storms were wreaking havoc on my nerves; combine that with the stresses of being a newly debuted group from SM Entertainment, and I was having a rough time of it._

_I had been in one of the practice booths, working on the vocals of our newest song; I kept getting the lyrics mixed up. I probably never would have even noticed the storm if the power hadn't suddenly gone out. I stumbled out of the little room and ran straight into Yunho, who I learned later had been in the booth right next door. As I opened my mouth to say something to him, thunder boomed over head, making me yelp. I had covered my mouth and looked at Yunho with embarrassment. He had only smiled and offered me his hand so that we could go look for the others._

_Every time the thunder rolled over us, my breathing had hitched and I clutched his arm tightly, taking comfort from his strength. We found the others huddled outside the main practice room. Our manager had gone to try and turn the power back on. So we stood there, waiting, in the dark with thunder practically shaking the walls. After only a few minutes, I was trembling like a leaf. Then Yunho slid those strong arms around me, holding me against his chest. I wrapped my own arms around his waist and tried to steady my frantic heartbeat._

_“It's alright,” he had said, his voice rumbling in his chest sounded louder, deeper, with my face pressed so close, “I'm here. I've got you.”_

_I pulled back then and looked up into his face, our arms still around one another. He smiled at me and there was such warmth and affection in his eyes, I had wanted to kiss him right then and there. I blushed hotly and looked down at the floor. When I tried to shyly pull away from him, his arms tightened around me._

_“Don't worry,” he told me gently, his lips near my ear, blowing soft breath across my neck, “I'll take care of you. Just stay here in my arms. You're safe.”_

_I had leaned back into him, letting him simply hold me, and listened to his heartbeat. His hands had rubbed across my back and, slowly, my fears were soothed. The lights came back on and everything seemed to go back to normal. Except, that night, Yunho caught me in the hallway after everyone had gone to bed and kissed me. When he tried to pull away, I was the one who stopped him, not wanting that kiss to end. A week later, we made love for the first time. My heart had never been so full; I had never been so certain of anything the way I had been certain that we were in love._

Tears slowly filled my eyes as I stared down at my hands in my lap. Yunho's voice, calling my name, jarred me from my thoughts and I blinked, looking up at him.

“Hmm? What? Sorry...” I tried to smile at him.

“I said, what are you thinking about? You've got your serious face on.”

I chuckled a little, “You always could read me like a book.”

“And you were always good at avoiding my questions,” he countered, smirking a little.

I sighed and decided to give him and honest answer. What could it hurt?

“I was thinking... about the first time you held me. At the office, during that big storm that cut the power,” my voice wasn't as strong as I wanted it to be, it kept quavering and I knew that if I didn't clutch my hands together in my lap, they would tremble.

“Wow, that was... a long time ago,” he murmured.

I don't know why, but him acknowledging the event seemed to make it hurt more and I had to look away again. My eyes burned with tears. Yunho called my name again and I just shook my head. I didn't trust my voice. I didn't trust myself not to sob. I so did not want to break down in front of him. 

“Jaejoong,” Yunho said again, and suddenly he was kneeling in front of me, his hands covering mine.

Finally, the tears slid down my face as I looked into his eyes, that warmth I saw so many years ago still there. How could he possibly still feel affection for me? I was a bitch and a whore. A sob finally broke free and I squeezed my eyes shut. Yunho slid onto the sofa beside me and wrapped those strong arms around my shivering frame. I leaned into him, the way I hadn't done in so very long, and really let myself cry.

“I'm sorry,” I gasped out, “I'm so fucking sorry Yunho. I... I..”

“Shhh, It's okay, JaeJae. It's okay,” he tried to reassure me.

“No it's not. I'm such a worthless bitch. This is all my fault. Everything. I...” All my guilt and pain from the breakup came welling back up inside of me and it hurt. So. Fucking. Much. I could hardly stand it.

“Jae,” Yunho said, trying to get ahead of my rant like always, but this time I wasn't letting him.

“No, it's my fault. I... I pushed you away. I'm the one who wanted to leave. I never... I never took the time to consider your side of things. I just knew that I wanted out and when you didn't follow right away,” I gasped for breath, my whole body shaking.

“Jaejoong,” he said firmly, grasping my cheek to make me look at him, “It's NOT your fault.”

I tried to say something, but he cut me off firmly.

“No. It's not,” he touched me gingerly, as if I would break, “We're both to blame, Jae. Both of us. We were both too proud.”

“Th- the things I said though,” I whimpered, trying to look away.

Yunho held my gaze, his hand still on my cheek, “We both said things we regret, Jaejae.”

I sniffled and slowly calmed down; Yunho pulled me to his chest once more and just held me. After a while I let out a wet, if slightly bitter, chuckle.

“I keep waiting for your new lover to come in and throw me out,” I finally admitted, slowly sitting up.

“I don't have one,” he said flatly.

I looked at him and blinked, “What?”

“I haven't taken a single lover since we split. I just... couldn't. Every time I thought about it or tried... they just never compared to you. To what we had.”

Shame filled me, churned my stomach, and I pulled away from him. He tried to pull me back into his arms, but I refused, instead choosing to stand.

“I never was as good of a person as you,” I replied bitterly, quietly folding the towel and setting it on the coffee table, needing to do something with my shaking hands.

“I know you had other lovers,” he said quietly, still sitting on the couch, “I can't say that I... don't care. I can't say that I blame you for that either.”

I turned and looked down at him, my tone sharp, biting and filled with my own self-loathing, “How can you be so good? How? Why aren't you angry? Why aren't you disgusted by what a slut I am? Why don't you hate me?”

He sighed and shook his head, “Because you're you. I was angry, for a while, after you left. I told myself that I didn't understand. That you abandoned me. I tried convincing myself that you were selfish. That I was wholly in the right. But every night, I would lay in our bed and all I could do was miss you. I hated the other men you were with.”

He stood and cupped my cheek once more, “But I never hated you. I'm not capable of it. The breakup wasn't all your fault. The both of us were arrogant and foolish.”

I stared at him in shock as tears slid down his face. I had never seen him cry. Not once. Not even during the worst of our fights.

“Yunho,” I breathed softly, leaning in to press my lips against his, fully expecting to be pushed away.

Instead, he wrapped his arms around me, kissing me firmly. I parted my lips slightly and his tongue dipped into my mouth, making me moan softly and turning my knees into water.

“Jaejoong,” Yunho broke the kiss just enough to whisper my name against my lips.

“Make love to me,” the words came out of my mouth before I could even think about what I was saying.

Before I could gather myself enough to take the words back, Yunho practically moaned, “Gods, yes,” and then his mouth was on mine again, only hungrier now, more insistent.

He pulled me against him and my arms naturally slid up over his shoulders and around his neck. I tangled my fingers in his hair and ground myself against him. He growled into our kiss before breaking away and pulling me down the hall to his bedroom. The lights were out and, with the storm still warring with the sky outside, it was almost too dark to see.

There was movement in front of me and then Yunho moved in close again, minus his shirt. He yanked my own shirt over my head and tossed it into the darkness, pressing our bare chests together. The feeling of his skin on mine set me aflame and my head rocked back, a long, low moan slipping from my lips, as he latched his mouth onto the side of my neck. His hands roamed my body; it was all I could do to grip him tightly and keep from falling to the floor.

He walked us backwards until we tumbled onto the bed. I had a single, fleeting moment of lucidity to be glad that we had both left our shoes at the door, before Yunho slid his hand down the front of my pants and my mind was lost to sensation once more. My hips bucked and I moaned aloud. I gripped his arms with my fingers as his lips drifted down my neck and onto my chest. He nipped sharply at my collarbone, an old weakness of mine, and I yelped, dragging my fingernails down his arms. He growled again, low, like a hungry wolf, and sat up to work my pants off. 

The tight, wet, skinny jeans gave him enough trouble to make me start giggling. He glared at me, which made me laugh even harder as I tried to help him pull the pants away from my damp skin. When we finally succeeded, Yunho roared with triumph and leaned in to kiss me, both of us still laughing. Laughing together, after so many years of imagined animosity, felt almost as good as his hands on my body.

He sat up again and just looked at me for a moment. The look in his eyes was indescribable. It was love, regret, relief and possessiveness all rolled together. That one look made me feel beautiful in a way I hadn't felt in years. I reached out for him and he slid back into my arms, our kiss softer, gentler. Our moans mingled as we rocked against each other and I hissed, his jeans rough on my skin. He stood to shed them and I whined at the loss of his warmth.

I heard a drawer open and close before he slid back between my legs, pressing kisses up the insides of my thighs. The sound of a cap popping open made my heart jitter slightly and then a long, low moan left me as I felt his fingers gently caressing my entrance. He dipped his mouth over my hardness, lips and tongue and gentle teeth teasing me as his fingers slid inside, slowly stretching me open. My back arched off of the bed, leaving me panting and whimpering for more.

The next moment, he was above me again, his eyes dark and hungry. I opened my mouth to say something, what I'm not really sure, but he cut me off with a soft kiss before pressing inside of me with one swift motion. I threw my head back with a sharp cry, my body shuddering beneath him. He paused, fully sheathed in me, and kissed my cheek tenderly.

“Did I hurt you?” he whispered.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, “No. Don't stop, please... Please, don't fucking stop.”

He took me at my word, pulling out slowly and then thrusting hard back in. Moans and cries of delight spilled from my lips. I clutched at his arms, lifting my hips to meet his thrusts. He groaned above me, dropping down to abuse my sensitive collarbone again. My arms circled around his back, feeling those tight, strong muscles moving as I dug my nails into his skin. He growled against my neck and I moaned again, something hot coiling in my lower abdomen.

“Y-yunho,” I gasped, “I c-can't... I'm going to...”

I gulped for breath, trying to push the words out through all the mewling ecstasy. He kissed me savagely, plundering my mouth as he picked up his pace, thrusting faster. I dug my nails into his back again, as though I were clawing at my own sanity. He broke from our kiss with a gasp, thrusting in hard and holding there. I practically screamed as I released, thick white ropes falling across my stomach and chest. Yunho pressed in tighter, giving small, deep thrusts. It was all I could do to remember how to breathe. Then he gave a shudder, and I could feel the wet heat as he released inside of me. 

He pulled out slowly, shaking slightly, and I whimpered.

“Did I hurt you?” he asked again, genuine worry in his dark eyes.

I shook my head, unable to form words yet. He smiled and kissed me softly, before disappearing into the darkness. I lay there, trembling slightly, and thought I heard running water. He returned a moment later with a damp washcloth. It was warm when he pressed it to my skin, cleaning me gently. I sighed and let my eyes wander through the gloom, now a little easier for me to see in. My gaze settled on something on the nightstand and I froze for a moment.

“Jae?” he asked worriedly, sitting on the edge of the bed.

I didn't answer, but sat up slowly and reached out for the picture, resting so innocently bedside where his head would be every night. It was us, arms wrapped around each other, smiling, almost laughing. It must have been autumn because we were wearing warm sweaters and leaves were scattered across the ground beneath the park bench we were sitting on. I barely even remembered taking this picture, but here it was, sitting on Yunho's bedside table. Tears clouded my eyes and I looked up at him. Yunho was just watching me. He smiled and reached out to stroke my hair, glancing at the picture. 

“I never stopped loving you, Jaejoong,” he told me, his voice soft and sweet, “Not for one single second. And I never will.”

I sobbed a little and wrapped my arms around his big frame. He held me, littering kisses along my bare skin; sweet kisses, innocent and loving. I said the only thing I could say.

“I love you too.”


End file.
